Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
