I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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