I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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