mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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