I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
