Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
