Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
