Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
