dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
