I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
