He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
The ass gains better be worth it
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