I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
