every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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