Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
