does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
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