Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
