If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
