Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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