and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
