I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
