after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
