was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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