I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
