i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
