How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It's not a walk of shame if you run
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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