VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
