Yo dont text me then not text me
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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