You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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