I think I won the penis lottery.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
