so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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