My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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