I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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