So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
