Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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