Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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