Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
