and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
