There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
