She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
