I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
