Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
