If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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