Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
