so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Randomize
