onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
