I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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