Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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