It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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