May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
