I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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