I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
