You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
stop calling my apartment porn island.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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