so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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