I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
