youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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